


To Whoever It May Concern

by Taeters



Series: Stan Marsh SUFFERS [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, all ships are either implied or past relationships or just not the main focus of the story, this is a heavy one yall, we break stan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:06:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22883002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taeters/pseuds/Taeters
Summary: Stan writes letters to all those close to his heart, whether they be loved by him or not.He had a beautiful way with words.
Relationships: Gary Harrison/Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Stan Marsh/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Series: Stan Marsh SUFFERS [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764586
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	1. A Letter to Anyone who Cares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major TW for all the things tagged y'all!!! Be careful!

_To whoever it may concern,_

_I write this as I sit on my bed, alone, with no light except the soft glow of fairy lights and no sound but the light drone of music from my phone. Bloodied razor blades and a bottle full of Ibuprofen and lay on top of my nightstand. Fresh wounds litter my skin wherever imaginable, albeit light and barely bleeding. I would never go deeper than I have, as I can be a little bitch to the immediate pain. The bottle lies untouched._

_These will be the last words I ever write. The last of my thoughts to ever be recorded and probably the last of my thoughts to ever be thought._

_I first want to start by saying that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being stronger. I'm sorry to whoever had to find my body in such a state. I genuinely hope it wasn't you, mom- I know how much it'll hurt for you. That was one of the things that kept me going for so long; the fact that I knew that people would somehow be sad that I've left. But I just... can't think about others anymore. I need it to stop._

_Life just feels like it's been getting harder day by day. It's increasingly harder to wake in the morning when all I want to do is sink into the warmth and comfort of my bed until I can no longer physically stay asleep. I just want to sleep and eat and lie in bed for however long I want, and maybe go out with friends or have them come over and just play video games till the asscrack of dawn. Unfortunately, though, life requires work and responsibilities that I'm just not up to taking. Living, in its' entire essence, is far too hard for me to handle._

_I used to be happy once, a long time ago. I think my 10th birthday was the last time I felt true joy. My life as a child was certainly intense, but it was (mostly) pleasant all the same. The time I spent with my friends on our various adventures brought me joy- though I almost died numerous times -and, more importantly, I had the motivation and energy to do those things. In hindsight, I almost wish I would have died one of those moments- during the peak of my life, with happiness instead of the melancholy in my chest that exists now._

_Life steadily went downhill ever since I turned ten. Almost as if by some curse, as soon as it was my 10th birthday, the world seemed to change around me. Nothing felt right anymore. I started to hate the things I once used to love and I no longer felt like a kid anymore. I had a disdain towards almost everything, even my own friends who seemed to be changing right before my eyes, too. I felt, and do feel, as though I was completely alone. I was and am almost completely positive that everyone held a sort of dislike for me. My only savior was the steady stream of alcohol in my veins that kept me intact, but you can only drink so much for so long until it no longer helps._

_Six years. It's been six years of living in near agony and it just feels like life is getting worse every day for no reason. It's not that life is particularly bad... yeah, it has it's usual hardships here and there, but I find it nearly impossible to enjoy life the way that it is. It's miserable. I'm miserable. I'm so tired._

_There is one thing that, before I give my final goodbye, I want to say something that very few people know about me. I figure that if I'm leaving the world, I may as well get it all out in the open._

_I am gay._

_Yeah._

_Breathe that one in for a moment._

_I won't get into the technicalities of how I realized and all that shit, but just know that I'm positive that this is who I am. Or- was, I suppose. It turns out that vomiting on all the girls you have a crush on doesn't always mean that it's just nerves getting the best of you._

_I guess it feels nice to get that weight off my chest, even if just in writing, but I suppose it won't matter in a couple of hours._

_The only thing I ask of whoever is reading this is to please take care of my plants. Please. Water my Impatiens once every three days. My bamboo needs water that is consistently an inch high. Mom knows how to take care of succulents, so she can handle those. This is the only thing I ask. They are- were -my pride and joy, and I want them to remain alive for as long as they can._

_Tell Sparky I love him. I never thought I'd die before he did._

_My bones ache. I have wounds all over my body, inside and out, that are currently bleeding. My internal wounds have been bleeding for years, preventing me from rest. I'm so tired, but now I have the medication to finally set me free to an eternal slumber._

_Thank you for trying to make my life great. I suppose my spirit just wasn't feeling up the challenge._

_Goodbye._

_\- Stanley Marsh_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you all "enjoyed"?? Honestly, this was originally just gonna be a one-shot of one looong letter from Stan, but I thought it'd be more personal and better if I did several letters from Stan to the people in his life. I think I'll do a part 2 to this story too, after I'm finished writing all his letters. Aftermath of his suicide. Whole series n shit. I dunno we'll see!  
> Stay tuned for more :)


	2. A Letter to Sharon Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mama marsh receives a letter

_To mom,_

_It pains me to write this letter the most out of all of the ones I'm writing._

_You have always been my biggest supporter. You always made me feel my best in my worst of times, even if it wasn't enough to save my life._

_The one thought that always pushed me, and many others in my position, to keep going for so long is the thought that it would make you so sad if I were to be gone. Sometimes I feel like I can be nothing but a disappointment to you and everyone else who knows me, but I know that you somehow still loved me despite how messed up I turned out. Probably just another case of the unexplainable love a mother has for their child no matter what._

_Almost no matter what._

_Truth is, I am extremely lucky to have a mother like you. I know a lot of people aren't as fortunate as me to have a mom who's as caring as you. I just wish that, towards the end of my life, you would've been more supportive and stuck up for me more. I thought things would finally get better once it seemed like you and dad were done for good, but of course, you both crawled right back to each other._

_When you and dad got together for that last time, it felt like a brick to the face. I couldn't understand how someone as loving and compassionate as you could even bare to deal with an utter void of life like him. He practically tortured both Shelly and I and you saw it all go down, yet you still always went back. Why? For the longest time I couldn't understand, but I think I do now._

_You once told me that sometimes it's best to just stick with what you know. I've come to the painful realization that dad, despite his shittiness, is comforting. His insults, his abuse, his neglect is all that you've lived with for the past 20 or so years of your life. You're used to it, and a change from the routine is jarring and even more uncomfortable than the abuse. I know you miss the old dad; the one who was, despite still being very overly-dramatic, still a good person. I miss that man, too._

_I feel sad for you. You don't deserve the pain that you have. Sometimes I feel like you want to die more than I do._

_But I don't want to blame everything on you and dad, because that would be really shitty of me, right? Though I guess me killing myself is probably even more shitty than anything else I've done or said, so fuck it._

_Truth be told, I'm having a grand time being selfish right now. I feel like I've been self less my whole life, always putting others above myself and pushing down my needs, but it's refreshing to do something I truly want despite the wants of others. It feels like I finally get things my way, and it's almost sad that I won't be able to live to experience more of this self-care. But I know if I stop myself, it really primarily will be just to please others._

_So, like, I love you, but also fuck you. The times when dad wasn't around were some of the better, more bearable times of my life, but when you let him back into our home I noticed you just watching from the sidelines as dad cussed Shelly out for losing her virginity or me out for not. I know you always wanted to step in and tell him to stop, but you never did. You were too afraid of how he might react to you._

_Really, I think you're just as weak as me, maybe even more. At least I have the strength to go through with what we both want to do._

_I hope this is some sort of wake up call that can change your life for the better. I love you, and I hope you move onto bigger and better things soon. You deserve more than what you've been receiving._

_Don't miss me too much._

_\- Stan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we just got a letter! we just got a letter! we just got a letter! wonder who it's from?  
> "So, like, I love you, but also fuck you."


	3. A Letter to Randy Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is kinda rough, BIG TW for child abuse/neglect

_To my fuckface dad,_

_Fuck, and I cannot stress this enough, you. Fuck you, fuck you._

_You are one of the most terrible fucking people I have ever met and I do not hold a single ounce of care or love for you in my entire body. You have completely fucked my life up and simultaneously ruined Shelly and mom's lives too. You have caused so much pain and suffering for our entire family and I only have one thing to say about it. To put emphasis on it again, fuck you. I don't have to explain myself to you, how much pain you've caused me and everyone else, but I will anyway because I know you're too dense to understand a single fucking thing without it being explicitly spelled out for you._

_You weren't always a horrible person. I remember being a kid and laughing with you, loving you, and you actually showed me love and support back. Albeit a little dramatic and irritating, you were still my dad and I loved you._

_I don't know when everything changed. Probably after the whole bullshit weed thing. That was really goddamn selfish of you, you know? We all supported you and whatnot, but it got really old really fast. You dragged us all like, an hour from town, and just expected us to go along with your bullshit farm life fantasy. We tried to hint at how unhappy we were, but you were too greedy and self-righteous to listen to us and just insisted that it was what was best. Bullshit. It was all goddamn bullshit and we all just wanted our normal lives back._

_When you finally gave it up and we were finally able to go back to South Park, you acted like a fucking bitch about it. You whined and moaned as we moved our stuff back into our old house, and I do get why you were upset, but you once again never stopped to consider our feelings on the matter. You never stopped to think, 'well, if they're happier in town than on a farm a fucking hour away, then maybe I should give up my silly little weed farm dream and just do what is actually best for my family.' But nah. Everything is always about Randy Marsh._

_Your groans soon turned to insults, which soon turned to emotional and psychological abuse, which soon turned to mild physical abuse._

_You not only abused us, but you also abused the substances you used. The alcohol made you grumpy, the weed made you irritable, and when you mixed them together it was a recipe for disaster. I remember you once tripping Shelly for seemingly no reason- though there isn't any reason to hurt your own kid -and you just laughed when she hit the hard floor. You walked away, but she had to go to the hospital because you had broken her nose, though I don't expect you to know that because you were suddenly away from home for almost a week straight._

_One time mom and Shelly went away for a couple of days to go to one of our aunt's baby showers. I was terrified of being alone in a house with you. I had run out of my sleeping medications the night before, so I asked if you could go out and get some more. You were drunk, high, maybe both. You told me to man up and to stop being a baby and just go to sleep. I didn't pry farther, but I couldn't sleep those next couple of nights. I was only 14, with no way to refill them myself._

_Growing up, you seemed to have some sort of weird fascination with my relationship status. I was apparently the fag who didn't sleep with enough girls and Shelly was the slut who slept with too many guys. Which makes no sense because Shelly has had the same boyfriend for like, three years, but whatever I guess._

_I must say though, if there's one thing you've been right about over the years, it's that. But by no means does that make it okay for you to constantly try to pry the truth from me. I never told you because I knew you would be nothing but ruthless to me about it, and I really wasn't ever in the mood to be tormented for something I was already so insecure about. Sorry for lying, but I guess the cat's out of the bag now._

_Go ahead and try to murder my already deceased body. I really don't give a fuck anymore._

_So basically, the point that I'm trying to get at here is that you're an asshole and you don't mean shit to me. I can't even say that I hate you because it's something much, much more than that, something much bigger and much more personal. You are scum. I hope you have an awful life._

_Don't come to my funeral._

_\- Your son_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we just got a letter! we just got a letter! we just got a letter! wonder who it's from?  
> "You are one of the most terrible fucking people I have ever met and I do not hold a single ounce of care or love for you in my entire body.'


End file.
